Surprise?!

What you're seeing is bloat AND bump! I'm pregnant with baby number 3! I feel ashamed to be writing this post in a way, I feel like I let down Kye and Zayn, I feel stupid and weak. I was determined to create a life worth living for my boys, I wanted to finish my course on time I wanted a committed relationship I didn't really want this. But here I am writing this post, in a situation I didn't want to be in again. I've had time to process this news and try to find a way to explain it in the most honest way possible.I'm not going to say how  it is was a shock but I can't wait and i'm so excited because I'm not. I'm scared of doing this all again I have been just hanging on for 9 months now since Zayn was born. It's a struggle to raise 2 children on my own - mentally, physically and financially and I never wanted to find out what it would be like to raise a third. Kye and Zayn already have an absent father and biologically this baby will too. Thomas is the father - we weren't together at the time I was lonely, vulnerable and he saw that. For a moment, a split second things felt right when I was with him I don't know how I can be so stupid to believe it, to go back to him after everything that's happened. My period wasn't regular yet, i'm still breastfeeding so I though chances were slim and also that Thomas had a condom. Thomas told me it was my job to protect myself (after all was said and done) I assumed when I shouldn't that he would have grown up a little but obviously another wrong judgement. He doesn't want anything to do with the baby - or right now as it seems his son's which breaks my heart. 

Lucas and I had broken up about a week before because he was relocated for his job and I wasn't ready to committed to long distance and we both understood why but I took it hard so when Tom came into the picture with his caring nice guy act I jumped at the chance. I don't want to say I was taken advantage of because I could have said no, I should have said no or stopped but I feel betrayed by him. So when I found out I knew he was the father, anything else no matter how much I wanted it to be was out of the question. I wanted Lucas to hear the news from me, not family or friends because news travels fast. I didn't know how he would take it, was there even any reason for him to care I mean we weren't together? But turns out there are decent guys left in this world and he turned up on my doorstep a few days later telling me he would support me and this baby. I reassured him it wasn't his child and he didn't have to and that i didn't want to ruin his life, or worst Lucas end up resenting me in the future because of this. But he wouldn't listen to any of it. I love him, I have since we first starting dating I didn't think it was possible to love again after Tom after everything that happened but there is something there and Lucas can see it as well. So as of right now we are together, he's still working at his job but coming home for a few days every few weeks until I'm further along and he'll look for something closer to home. We are still moving slow, as slow as you can and communication is a huge thing for us, complete and total honesty on all feelings. He will never be Zayn and Kye's father but if things continue to go well maybe one day he can be their dad. I hope that someday my 3 children can have a relationship with their father but each day i'm finding it harder to see. I'm scared i'll end up doing all of this on my own, that i'll end up letting down the people which matter most to me, my children. That I can't be the best I can now because I have to make even more sacrifices. I love this baby, I hate the circumstances and myself. If I could go back to that night and change it I would.