Venting..

I haven't slept properly since I found out I was pregnant, and that was a couple of weeks ago, but it's been the last week it's become unbearable. I've downloaded a heap of movies just to watch at night along with the Olympics because I can't switch my brain off to sleep. I just feel so stupid for getting myself into this situation, 20 years old and 3 unplanned pregnancies like what's wrong with me?! I feel like such a failure, I strive so hard to make the best out of bad situations but in the end I seem to make them worst for myself and my children. I just want them to be proud of me, to have happy memories of their childhood not memories of mum and dad fighting, or not seeing their dad for weeks on end or not being able to have little luxuries like their friends because their mum struggles to make ends meat because she never finished school and is raising 3 young children on her own at a young age. I never wanted to be another statistic, I wanted to break the stereotypes that teen mums are seen as and show people I can make my life a wonderful one even if I had a child at 17. But now after having a child at 17, 19 and another one due just after my 21st birthday those hopes seem to be further and further out of reach. I worry about myself a lot and how i'll cope but Kye and Zayn are my priorities. I won't be able to finish my course because of this pregnancy for two main reasons, one being the timing I will still have a few months left after i'm due and I just won't be able to continue studying with a newborn, toddler and 3 year old I just can't see it happening. Also money, I need to work full time and save money up until i'm due otherwise we will struggle, I don't want that. As much as finishing school is a priority for me I need to ensure that right now for the short term I can take care of my children. I should have learnt I have no excuses, I should have done everything I could to prevent this pregnancy. I needed to, I didn't even know if I wanted a third child. I have a feeling sometime in my future when I was married I would do it the traditional way third time around but not now. I'm still recovering mentally after all the hurt from Thomas now to be carrying his child he refuses to acknowledge, I just find it that the hardest to deal with. Not the fact of my stupidity but the fact that one day i'll probably have to explain to him/her that his/her biological father didn't want anything to do with him/her. This post probably continuously contradicts itself but I just need to write down all that's on my mind. I know that as this pregnancy progresses i'll feel a bit more at ease with my feelings and I will begin to experience some positive emotions, as I said I don't resent this baby or feel negativity towards it, it's the situation, myself that i'm so ashamed of. The emotions mixed with the hormones right now are unbelievable but hopefully after writing a few of these things down my mind may be a little less crowded and I can get a bit off sleep and put things into perspective.